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“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” “Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.”
“试着成为别人云中的彩虹。”在你知道建篱笆的原因之前，永远不要拆掉它。
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” All excellent words to live by.
“永远不要用一个借口把道歉毁掉。”这些都是生活中的经典语录。
Sadly, that’s the end of the good counsel on these pages.
遗憾的是，这里都是些不好的建议。
What we present here is advice to avoid at all costs, collected from our readers and elsewhere.
我们在这里提出的是要不惜一切代价避免的建议，这些建议来自我们的读者和其他地方。
Read it, laugh at it, learn from it. But whatever you do, don’t follow it.
阅读它，笑一下，从中学习。但无论你做什么，都不要遵循它。
COMMUNE WITH NATURE. “If you see a bear and don’t have time to run away, hug it.
亲近大自然。如果你看到一只熊，没有时间逃跑的话，就去拥抱它。
Bears cannot scratch their stomachs.” —My no-nonsense grandfather
熊不能用胃思考。来自我的不胡说的祖父。
DRIVE OFFENSIVELY. When I started learning how to drive, my dad, completely serious, said to me,
强势开车。当我开始学开车时，我爸爸非常严肃地对我说，
“Always weave a little, and all the other cars will stay away from you.”
“总是稍微迂回一点，这样其他的车就会离你远远的。”
PLUG IN. “Stop reading! You read too much; you’re going to hurt your eyes!
插电。“别看书了！你看得太久了；你会伤到眼睛的！
Go watch TV for a while!” —My grandma, every time she visited
去看会儿电视！我祖母每次来看我时都这样说。
IMPROVE YOUR COMPLEXION. As a young teen, I had terrible acne.
改善你的面色。作为一个年轻的青少年，我有可怕的痤疮。
A doctor told me that my acne would go away once I married.
一位医生告诉我，结婚后我的痤疮就会消失。
Presumably, sex would make it disappear. I’m glad we got a second opinion. I didn’t get married until I was 34.
据推测，性爱会让它消失。我很高兴我们有了第二个观点。我34岁才结婚。
PULL THE PLUG. My husband grew hot peppers in our garden one year.
拔掉插头。有一年，我丈夫在我们的花园里种了辣椒。
Wanting to dry them out, we asked our Amish friend what to do.
为了把它们变干，我们问我们的阿曼门诺派教徒朋友该怎么办。
She suggested we use the microwave to quicken the process.
她建议我们用微波炉加快变干。
So we took her suggestion and nuked the peppers.
所以我们采纳了她的建议，把辣椒变成了核武。
Within seconds, sickening fumes filled the kitchen, driving us out of the house, coughing and gagging.
几秒钟之内，厨房里充满了令人作呕的烟雾，我们咳嗽着、作呕着跑了出去。
Only later did we stop to wonder why we took the advice to use the microwave from someone who doesn’t use electric appliances.
直到后来，我们才停下来思考，为什么要听从那些不使用电器的人的建议，去使用微波炉。
When I was a Boy Scout, we went camping.
当我还是童子军的时候，我们去露营。
My Scout leader said to just use the leaves to wipe. It was poison ivy.
我的童子军队长让我用树叶来擦。我用了毒葛。
I was working as a designer at a small company. One day, I asked my boss what I could do to advance myself.
我在一家小公司做设计师。一天，我问老板我能做些什么来提升自己。
His advice: “Find a rich man and get married.” I had a better idea.
他的建议是：“找个有钱人结婚吧。”我有个更好的主意。
I sent my résumé out and went back to school.
我把简历发出去，回到学校。
Eight years later, I got an associate’s degree in graphic design and have enjoyed a successful career in mechanical design.
8年后，我获得了平面设计的副学士学位，并在机械设计领域取得了成功。
So thanks for the bad advice, boss. It lit a fire under me and launched my life.
谢谢你的坏建议，老板。它点燃了我的生命之火。
重点讲解
1. put up 设置
Protesters have been putting up barricades across a number of major intersections…
抗议者们在许多主要的十字路口设置了路障。
2. run away from 逃避
They run away from the problem, hoping it will disappear of its own accord…
他们避开了这个问题，希望它不了了之。
3. stay away from 远离
A lone mother Canada goose honked a warning to stay away from her nest.
一只孤独无伴的雌性加拿大黑雁鸣叫了一声，警告别人不要靠近它的巢。
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